This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
