Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
