I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
farters have to be the big spoon...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Randomize
