I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
