I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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