if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
