i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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