all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
