girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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