I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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