guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
