How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
