I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize