I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
