I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize