what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
