If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
