I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
