Sober January is a disaster.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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