You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
