Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize