I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
