How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
