shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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