glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
