Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
