Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize