finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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