There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
