Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is Oprah even human
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize