I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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