So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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