Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
