I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
do herpes really smell.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
