The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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