if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
