hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
