life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Two words: blizzard sex
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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