i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
