I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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