She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
