somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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