Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
