Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
