Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
