I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
