Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
