In the future we'll all be gay
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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