Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
