Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
