I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
