just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Of course I have a pirate flag
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
