i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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