I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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