There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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