Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am one with the molecules
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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