I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
