why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
