dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just pee around me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
